Where’s your hometown? Where are you from?

I was born in Korea. I immigrated when I was 1 year old. I get excited when I say we landed in Hawaii first, but [we were there] for a brief moment, and then we came to the States. I pretty much spent my entire youth in Downey [in southeast Los Angeles County]. Then, after college in Santa Barbara and minus a few years in Korea and China, the rest of my time has been spent mostly living here in Koreatown. 

What town were you from in Korea?

I was born in Seoul. It’s tough to say which neighborhood because I was only 1. I don’t have any recollection of it. My mother is from the northern area of what is now known as South Korea, somewhere near Incheon and the DMZ [the demilitarized zone between North Korea and South Korea]. For those of you who do not know, at one point, Korea was just one country, not North and South. My mother shared that she and her siblings were orphaned by the time she was 12, which was right around the time the war happened in 1950. She lost a sibling in North Korea as well. One day, he went into the northern area and never returned. To this day, she still has no idea what happened to him. She spoke very little of her painful childhood. Actually, both my parents lived through traumatic losses due to the war, so neither of them talked about it, which was common for most people in their generation. My dad is from Seoul, so we first lived as a family in Seoul, then immigrated to the U.S. with my mother’s siblings and their immediate families after I turned 1.

Why did you end up in Hawaii first [when you were immigrating to the United States]?

Hawaii was just the first stop on a very long trip — a layover — but I had such a bad bloody nose that wouldn’t stop that my dad wanted a doctor to see me since I was only 1. From there, I was in Virginia for a year or two and then in Gainesville, Florida, for about another year. Gainesville was not a very fancy place. Then, by the time I was about 3 1/2 or 4 years old, we were in California.

My father was a businessman and graduated with a business degree from a Korean university. My mom had a thriving antique business. My sisters have pictures with nannies; each had a nanny, and they lived this wealthy life and went on all these vacations. But the minute we immigrated to the States, my father became a small business owner — a liquor store owner. It’s what the others who immigrated before him did, as their degrees did not mean the same here, and they barely spoke any English. That’s what they did for the entirety of their lives until [my dad] had to retire due to the [1992 Los Angeles] riots. After immigrating, our lives looked very different: no more nannies, no more family trips, no more anything like that because, as a businessman and the “breadwinner,” he had to open that [liquor] store seven days a week. So, [life] looked very different than expected.

But my aunts and uncles played a big role in [helping me] see the rest of the States and travel to national parks. Despite my parents never taking me, I still feel lucky that I was able to experience those things. A lot of kids during that time of immigration, including myself, were “latchkey kids,” which meant we were locked at home while our parents were at work. I have two sisters, five and seven years older than me, so they took care of me.

Was your father’s liquor store in Koreatown?

No, but it was in South Central, so it was one of the first to be completely looted. Unfortunately, the saddest part was that people from the neighborhood he knew did it. People from the community also called him when it happened.

The community members were split between fighting for their own needs and the community’s needs. I experienced it, but I couldn’t grasp or understand it as well as I do now because I was only a senior in high school. That happened in ‘92. 

The irony was that when I went to see the store, everything was gone, except for — I remember very vividly — Ariel detergent for cleaning and diapers. There was gasoline all over the floor as well. So, had they lit the liquor store on fire, we would have gotten insurance and been able to recover. But unfortunately, the event was categorized as “looting and rioting,” and theft insurance didn’t cover anything. At the time, they said FEMA and various institutions would come to help and assist, but unfortunately, a lot of immigrant businesses just went out of business. They restocked, but my parents were never able to recover. About a year later, they had to [declare] bankruptcy. 

We ended up losing the house, and unfortunately, we never moved back into a home. But you know, we grew up in the church, so our faith really carried us through, and we learned to go without things. That was definitely a hard season. 

Do you live in Koreatown now?

I live in the Westlake area, right outside of Koreatown, between downtown Los Angeles and Koreatown. It’s like a working-class Latino area. I had to move closer to where my mom lived then.

Lucy Hwang: What are your thoughts on the experience of aging, and what have you learned from working with elders?

Wow, that’s a broad question. My experiences with elders, seniors, and aging first came from my personal experience. My dad and mom were older, and they both have now passed. But my dad suffered from a stint in the hospital. He was in the hospital for about 40 days due to various illnesses that he contracted in the hospital. Then, he continued to contract other viruses during his elongated stay there. They were super viruses that kept him there for a long time. At the time, my mom was experiencing early-onset dementia, which a lot of Asian people — and I can speak to Koreans more specifically — sort of dismiss because it’s hard to diagnose.

Technically, you cannot diagnose Alzheimer’s until they’ve actually passed away. Only at that point can they cut into the brain and see what happened to it. The way that they diagnose dementia these days is more like this: “If it sounds like a dog, if it smells like a dog, and if it barks like a dog, then it must be a dog.”

That’s similar to what [the process of diagnosing dementia] is like, though, of course, it is much more scientific and data-based … but that’s generally how it is. An example of that would be Robin Williams; they thought he [died by] suicide, but he was actually suffering from dementia. When he passed away and they did the autopsy, they found out that he had a form of dementia that kept him in a loop of psychosis and hallucinations, which ultimately led to his killing himself.

So, my mom had early-onset dementia. The absence of my dad when he was in the hospital triggered that. And when he passed, that depression sent her into a deeper state of dementia. One can kind of go in and out with the symptoms depending on their health, and she dipped further into her symptoms. She leveled up a little bit when the depression eased as time passed, but she never really got better. She was never able to recover fully. 

As a professional and somebody who grew up in a culture where the children care for their parents, I noticed there was no place for me to put my parents because my sister was married, had kids, and was living her life. My other sister was married, had young kids, and was also living her life. Neither [of them] stayed at home during the day. The dynamic of our culture had shifted, and Koreans were no longer in these [patriarchal] homes, where the woman was at home as the wife and taking care of the chidren, and the husband was away working. So back then, if something happened to your parents, you would bring them into your home. 

That was a changing dynamic. That was a shift in our culture and our generation. Now, women have more professional [backgrounds] and [contribute to] dual-income family households. And that’s something that [my siblings and I] were experiencing; we were all working professionally. We were in this position for the first time and agreed, “We need full-time care for our mother. What do we do now? What’s even out there?”

That’s when my journey began — when I started looking for available resources. So first, I saw that there were all these senior care facilities, in terms of residential. Most Asian parents — and most older people in general — do not want to live in a “home.” I’ve learned since that the [best] way to extend their health in their lifetime is to try to keep them as comfortable in their familiar space as long as possible. I’ve learned new ways to go about that. But at the time, the thought was, “We need to get them care. I can’t give her care, so I need to get her somewhere where she can get it.”

What we noticed is that all of those programs had incredible costs. In many of these residential facilities, [the costs] were starting anywhere from $1,000 as a monthly base for them to live if [emphasis added] they qualified for state financial assistance. Still, most of them cost much, much more than that. I knew [my mom] clearly didn’t want to move at that point. What are some other options? So, one important aspect of early-onset dementia is to keep them stimulated. As long as we keep them active and create opportunities for new dialogue in relationships, those things can extend their health and mitigate how dementia affects their lives.

Loneliness also contributes highly to that depression, but it’s hidden. It’s very secret, you know, and [Asian parents] don’t [sound the] alarm. Asian parents typically don’t like going to the doctor. They don’t like saying they need things; the last thing they want to do is ask their children.

It was always, ‘I don’t need anything; I’m fine, I’m fine.’ So I started looking at senior care facilities, or adult day- care facilities called Adult Day Health Care, and saw what was around in Koreatown, specifically in Korean because my mom never mastered English. She’s still [primarily] a Korean speaker. My father was the same; even though he did business, Korean was still his heart language.

I started to find what limited resources were out there for our aging parents. I started going to conferences. I even got a license to be a director for something that’s called an R.C.F.E. (Residential Care Facility for the Elderly). I thought, Okay, we’ll learn about this industry. Let me find out what’s actually happening, what’s required, and what these places look like. First, I got an administrator license. Then, somebody offered me a job to open an adult
daycare. As these things were happening in my life, these experiences made me think that maybe this was the right juncture and business venture to jump into. 

Prior to that, I was a Director of Residential Life, working with college residents and managing their housing program. This new role was still people and programming, so I jumped into it. That’s when I began to understand what Koreatown had to offer. The biggest thing I [learned] and am still learning about is the lack of resources for immigrant families regarding senior care. My generation grew up thinking we had to take care of our parents on our own. So, we didn’t plan for “senior care.” If you speak to a lot of people, for example, from Jewish or Western backgrounds, a lot of them have healthcare or senior care built into their life insurance, so those costs are going to be covered. 

That’s no longer the case. Senior care policies were no longer offered because seniors were living longer than before, and insurance companies were losing a lot of money. As I continued my search, I discovered a lack of resources that my mother could actually understand and participate in, and the ones out there were more like babysitting programs.

I don’t want to discount their program, and I don’t want to fault them because part of that is business. For four hours a day, you could take [seniors] to a center, and they’d either play bingo with them, sing songs with them, or let them sing karaoke. They’d give them breakfast and lunch, so they got two meals and [stayed] occupied. It gave them the opportunity to talk to and interact with other people and have supervision. It wasn’t the best, but I was okay with leaving her there safely while I was at work. It was all that was available.

With limited Korean resources, limited financial resources, and limited help as children supporting their parents, I realized that we were not educated and were way underprepared for the tidal wave of need coming regarding our parent care. It was twofold.

Lucy Hwang: Do you think there are any specific strengths and challenges in Koreatown’s elder residences that differ from those in the other elder residences you’ve visited?

The generation we’re talking about is still closely con- nected to cultural ties. There’s something about meeting those specific needs, not just as an older person, but in a way that ties in their culture, their history, the foods that they like, and the songs that they used to sing. Much of that is tied to language, and a lot of that time is tied to understanding how to relate.

Sometimes, there are a lot of similarities with immigrant families. But you’ll see that there are differences in how some of your school friends interact with their parents or grandparents. For example, I grew up with friends who called their parents by their first name — that would never happen in a Korean household. Or leaving partially eaten plates of food at the table — that would never happen in a Korean household. You ate what you were served and finished it.

Certain nuances come with understanding the culture, particularly with eldercare and especially if they’re experiencing dementia. You have to understand their childhood or youth to know how to meet them in their spaces, where they’re most comfortable, or where they’re now at peace. That’s one of the benefits of going to a place that recognizes the need for that type
of connection with their residences. But they’re very far and few in between. I had a lot of people asking me, ‘Well, where can I put them?’ And there were only two places that I would vouch for. At one of them, you could get some help financially; you still have to pay partially, but you could get some assistance if you are low-income. The other was private pay ($3,000 to 4,000 per month), but it was changing under new management. The third one would have only been for those in desperate situations. If you’re desperate, you can put them in there and know they would be supervised and looked after, but the programming was not very good.

But it’s hard to watch when your staffing and patient numbers are not at a good ratio. I went to check out the staff-to-patient ratio. When I was touring facilities, I saw an older man with his hand in an older lady’s shirt — because he just thinks he’s a young kid and likes to touch. So, he would just go in and reach, and nobody was supervising! So I said, “No, my mom’s not going to stay here.” But his actions weren’t malicious. It wasn’t dirty. It was just that he was being childlike, like a toddler. He did not know any better. He was going to his comfort place, but it was challenging to think it all through without judgment and with understanding. But that [staff-to-patient] ratio wasn’t there, which was one of the issues I saw in some lesser-staffed environments. So, all in all, there were only three [residences], and our aging Korean popula- tion is huge. They have senior housing, where they usually rent a one-bedroom apartment. The plus is that there are a bunch of seniors in the building. However, as far as “assisted living” facilities go, there were only three [when I was searching for a place for my mom].

Lucy Hwang: I like how you mentioned the cultural aspects that the elder residences need to curate, like activities and food.

And that goes for more than just Koreans. I think anybody who has a native heart language that’s not English [has these needs], especially when they start to get sick. You’re just more vulnerable. And when you’re not at the top of your health, when you get to that more vulnerable, needy place, you start to speak in that heart language.

I also speak some Spanish. So whenever I’m on a site, and I see an elderly Hispanic woman or man come up, you know there’s an attempt at communicating in English, but the minute I move into speaking Spanish, you can see the relief. Imagine you’re in a care facility and trying to communicate your needs, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities. That’s sometimes hard to do, but especially hard if it’s not in your heart language.

Ava McCollum: You touched on some personal experiences, analyzing what does and doesn’t work for certain elders. What other aspects of elder wellness merit further support and criticism, what you perceive to be working well and what could be improved? Every person is different, but finding something that might work for many people is a good approach. I would like your perspective.

So, we opened a senior adult care facility, which is considered an ADHC (Adult Day Health Care) program. But we didn’t want to call it daycare because most elders don’t want to be perceived as needing care, or at least like children and needing daycare. They [want to] live their lives. Imagine yourself, even as a junior [in high school] — you probably feel that when an elementary school kid comes up to you and you’re like, ‘What do you know? I’m 17. Like, come on,’ right?

Imagine somebody 60, 70, or 80 years old who has had a professional and personal life with all these other life experiences. And now you’re just told you can sit and play bingo or sit in a chair and do some exercises. These activities can be very elementary sometimes — a little too elementary.

One of the big things that was lacking was re-establishing their [sense of] purpose. The elderly [need] to have a greater purpose. There are so many things that we can learn from them. Their history is our living history that we get to experience and that we get to learn from. Some of them were professionals who practiced law, business, and all of that.

So why couldn’t they run part of the store? Why couldn’t they create a new garden and start small gardening businesses? Why weren’t we thinking [outside] the box? It was more like watching them, like a daycare, and treating them like children.

One of the things we wanted to do differently was stimulate them. We wanted to give them the opportunity to learn with classes about calligraphy and art history; we asked them what they wanted to do and where they wanted to go — whether it was excursions or different things. They also really wanted some independence. To be honest, that was one of the things that was difficult to balance between being safe, providing supervision where needed, and only having the model of what was already being done. We needed to try new things and keep learning.

So we created a membership program, like a club. You had to pay to join, so there’s some value. Asians kind of work like that. Like, ‘Oh, how much is it?’ The more expensive it is, the better they think it is sometimes. At the same time, though, they always want a bargain. It’s complicated, but it’s how we grew up. They want to feel like they’re not getting the cheap, free thing but that they’re getting the best thing for a good bargain.

We provided an environment where, yes, you had to commit, and you had to pay. [Being a part of this club] was by your choice and will, and then we provided life-building classes for them. A lot of them said that they have trouble with their phones. They wanted to learn how to chat with their grandchildren, use Instagram, and those types of things. They wanted to be relevant. They also wanted to be social, not just among each other. They wanted to learn technology, so [we had] computer classes, phone classes, and so forth.

All this was done to re-establish that they were still people of purpose, not just people we needed to watch and babysit, but that was the temptation. One of the challenges I experienced was encountering people stuck in that old bubble — “This is what works” — but it wasn’t building them up. And, you know, [we wanted to] bust them out of that bubble. We needed to ask ourselves what more we could do and not settle for the old ways. To do some- thing different took a lot of cultural shifts and changes. Many older people in the industry came to us and asked, ‘Why are you doing this? Nobody’s going to want to do this. Nobody’s going to want this.’ And so we got a lot of pushback from people in the industry. That part was interesting, but I think giving them purpose and
re-establishing that they are important human beings with things to contribute — that they’re not just people to put out to pasture — is crucial to always keep in mind.